God's timing...is PERFECT.

Prepare now for what I do not know how long this post will be. 

Since Mamaw's passing God has been at work on my heart about HIS timing and tonight it was like He put the cherry on it.  Everything adds up to be just God's handprint on each second of each day. 

I remember the days leading up to that December day...I often wondered when timing would be.  I let my school know often...I am at a day to day basis of not knowing what tomorrow held with Mamaw.  She was diagnosed last Valentine's Day with cancer.  I just remember hearing that day, Mamaw has a tumor on her kidney and some spots in her lungs.  I processed it knowing hey..people beat cancer all the time.  Our next several months would be that Mom, Mamaw and Papaw would travel to Houston to see doctor and get treatment.  Then during the summer I had the pleasure of making those trips with them and sometimes taking them myself.  But it was at the end of the summer...I realized...timing...I didn't have much longer with this lady that I love dearly, the lady who raised me, the lady whom I am the most like. 

It was one Sunday afternoon in August Mom and I had gotten coffee together then somehow I told her what I had been praying that God would take Mamaw soon because I didn't like to see her "suffering" (but in my real mind I knew this wasn't the worst of it...I just didn't want it to get that way.) I prayed that, meant that..but never voiced it...so I NEVER heard it.  But August wasn't HIS timing and how thankful I am for that.  So not only did my focus during these days become my family...I started a new job teaching at a new school, new subject, new grade.  One of the most beautiful things about HIS timing in this...is that Mamaw was able to see me completely happy and being used to further the kingdom right here.  She LOVED to hear stories of my "babies" and she NEVER wanted me to forsake them for her. 

A sweet best friend of mine said Amy, you have to remmeber God's timing.  He isn't thru with Mrs. Paula.  She still has work to be done so don't pray selfishly...pray His job to be complete. 

So after Summer, treatment actually got moved to Monroe and I saw Mamaw fading.  I knew then this was it.  It is/was all a blur in my life. One of the most precious weeks I look back on is the week I got to spend with her because Papaw was in the hospital.  We talked, laughed, ate every meal together.  She stole my food numerous times...because she wasn't hungry until she saw my food.   One night she stayed up and made me cookies because I had done that for her the night before...only for me not to want any of them she made that night.  (I would eat every cookie she made now.)  I remember telling one of my best friends for my birthday it would be a present if she met Jesus because I know she would be complete.  God didn't see that timing to be perfect. 

When the last weeks were here...I wanted to take off and be with them.  We knew that wasn't reasonable.  People kept telling me I would know when I needed.  That day came, December 11.  The night before...Saturday night (Dec 10) after West Monroe got thru winning the championship...I remember begging God to take Mamaw.  She was nothing here and I just saw suffering.  So Sunday, December 11 I just prayed, begged God to take her and that night when I came home...I was mad at God that He didn't take her that day.  I didn't understand His timing for anything and what was she teaching me here?  And it was on this day I told Mom I wasn't going to work the next day...I needed to be with my mamaw. 

Sure enough I get there that Monday morning, December 12 and things had changed to which we knew losing her was closer than we knew.  When I got there, Mom explained to me what would happen once she passed, I got to change her bed one more time and curl up next to her.  We (I) talked and sang...just enjoyed her presence.  Also, this day her best friends came over to keep us company and to take Papaw to lunch.  We were in the living room and we realized it was time.  The absolute beauty of it all:  Mom and I were able to spend the last minutes with her, Papaw got to be home at the minute she passed, her best friends surrounded us, Everyone from New Orleans were back, her favorite part of the day was 12:30-1 pm everyday because of her favorite soap show was on.  It was this time when everything lined up...not a moment too soon, not a moment too late...it was perfect TIMING of HIM! 

Tonight's message at church was about trusting HIM in His timing.  It is something I dont understand...but I look back on this time in my life...it was perfect timing.  It wasn't my plan although I selfishly prayed for it.  It was His.  Yes...I miss her like crazy.  I still have many moments that I am sad or even dont understand...why us...why cancer, why her...but I prayed last February...to GOD BE THE GLORY...He is still working on me.  He is still teaching me.  I still have a story. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11
1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;6 a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;7 a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

.11 He hath made everything beautiful in its time:

Wow...a long time with no post

I am not sure where to start tonight as my heart is real heavy.  So much is burdening me today/tonight but just as much as I cry out...I hear and feel Christ holding me.  It seems when I am overwhelmed someone is there to point me back to His Hand or I hear the gentle whisper, "Trust me, child!" or "I'm holding you."

I am a fix it person.  If something is broken I want it fixed...I want to get it fix.  So for my students to hurt and I can't do anything to "fix" them...when they tell me they can't call home because noone can come get them...HURTS me.  When someone in my family hurts...I want to fix it.  I want to take the pain away.  When I am overwhelmed or confused...I want to fix it.  I want answers then...I dont want to wait. 

I found myself in this state today while "shopping" at a local store....I was just browsing looking for nothing particular when I was venting to a friend about life and it was like God whispered..."Be still my child...I am holding you.  My timing is perfect.  When are you going to cry out to me?" so there in the store...I quit texting my friend...and I said JEsus, fix me...I am broken.  I need you.  to which you know...He did.  I had a peace over me and I could smile again.

Does this mean I am not hurting?  Does this mean I won't struggle?  Does this mean I can't vent to friends?  No...it means at that moment and more...I need to cry out to him...My hurts...HE FIXES.  My pain...HE HEALS.  My Jesus...HE LOVES.

On my heart...

This is a song that says it best.  Be encouraged as I was driving home and trying not to cry.  We received good news today but in our minds it wasn't GREAT news. What if we got there and ALL the cancer was gone...but it wasn't. We know that without God we have no clue where we would be....without our friends praying...we dont even want to imagine...so we do have another round of chemo for 6 weeks which breaks my heart as my sweet Mamaw told me this morning...she is just tired of this.  But you know...we keep praying.  we keep believing.  we keep hoping.  He is still with us. He is still healing.  He is NOT done with us yet.

BLESSINGS by Laura Story

We pray for blessings


We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things



Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise



We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe



Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise



When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home



Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise